38-Year-Old Woman In Search Of The Perfect Man
By Reza Ganjavi
Spoke with a friend tonight -- 38, and we've known each other for a long time, though we rarely meet. She's dying to find THE man of her life. She's trying dating sites.
I read an interesting article quoting even 20-somethings who feel frustrated and burned out from using dating websites, due to different reasons such as people posing to be who they are not etc., etc.
She's the same way -- kind of frustrated. But the sad part is, seeing her, an old friend, putting her happiness on the line -- risking it because of some unknown man not being there... and to complicate things, the biological clock's role...
The decision space generally has a lot of constraints: he's gotta be handsome, talented, intelligent, rich, and having all those attributes he has to be unadventurous too (LOL) and to want to have a baby and family, with her vs., all those other people in and out of those dating websites and the real world!
We had a good talk. I did not want to discourage her. She may find him. But I know many in those shoes who walk on the path of frustration, and get psychologically complicated...
It's important to be happy, and not long for something or someone as means of fulfillment. "Well but everyone is missing something in their life". I'm talking about the state of mind, in which there is no longing, no becoming, no craving, despite shortcomings in some areas of life (money, job, looks, health, etc.). That state of mind (happiness, calmness, completeness...) is crucial. But not to make of it as an ideal, which becomes another means of becoming. This might seem contradictory, but it's all in the approach, e.g., instead of trying to be happy, look at what makes one unhappy and remove that...
When the mind is used to becoming, not in that state of pure being, pure happiness, which does not need anything to fulfill it, then somebody comes along and says, "Is it possible to be whole, as is, now, and not after one has more money, or the perfect man or woman, and so on..."?
That challenge could shake up the mind which is used to becoming. She said, "I feel that way when I'm singing, and exercising, but to think about having that 24 hours a day". The challenge doesn't have an element of time, i.e., "be in that state all the time." The state is timeless, outside the realm of thought and time, and in the realm of love, the immeasurable.
Nevertheless, she's right, the practicalities of daily life need to be attended to...and that may involve, non-blissful times, dealing with some peoples' stupidities, viciousness, ignorance, disrespect for others' rights, etc. -- or other forms of agitations... There are endless reasons not to be in a state of wholeness. But a person, a mind/body/heart/being -- is capable of being anchored in that blissful state of silence, peace, tranquility, which is the foundation of love, no matter what is going on.
That's a happiness which nothing can take away, and you don't need another man, woman, child, money, position, big house, or anything from the outside, in order to be in that blissful state of love, joy, happiness.