New Ways Of Relating

New Ways Of Relating

By Reza Ganjavi

I wrote this as a comment to an article in German which a friend posted about "monogamy vs. polygamy".

The world is not black or white. Nature has many colors. We think in binary because we're used to it, and because the brain has two sides. So it's not a question of poly vs. mono. There are other options, creative ways of relating which are not rooted in the boring, limited, bankrupt ways traditions have tried to define such relationships based on the assumption that love is exclusive (a false notion). 

More and more people are looking for new creative ways to relate.

The key focus of tradition seems to be search for security (false sense of psychological security since security is only possible when you stop looking for it) -- even a signature and going in front of 500 people and God and promising doesn't work 50% of time; and secondly, reproduction. 

But we're more than animals and can find creative ways of relating in which there is no sense of ownership, possessiveness, jealousy, and all that ugliness that results from that -- and respect another's judgment. If I'm with a person and she decides to get physically close to someone else or explore another person in a holistic manner, I don't have a problem with that because I trust her enough to know she's not going to go with a junkie or drug addict or even smoker, and pollute her and my energy. I trust that she will choose a high-quality person and if she has a nice time with him, and he enriches her, why not?

Why should I feel threatened of him stealing her if she is not to be stolen? I trust that a person I respect enough to be with is inwardly so rich that she would not fall for being stolen and owned however nice that might feel because that is a denial of one's freedom -- and that she doesn't view love like a disposable lighter which you throw away and get a new one.

Humans are perfectly capable of being with a person and having a mutually enriching time, loving each other, being in the present which is where love is anyway, and at another instance in time and place they may be with another person, high-quality, responsible, and love. Love is not reduced. Love is not exclusive. Love is limitless.

What has put limits to love is tradition because of its insecurity -- it is constantly searching for security because possessiveness is animalistic and insecure. Another animal can take away your food, your things, your mate. But we're more than animals.

I've learned in life that love is free. Love can't be put in a box. And in freedom it flowers.

Responsibility in relationships is to not make any images of another or oneself etc. The movement of the self is a denial of love. The best, freest flight, dance, togetherness, is when there is no self. But this takes a level of depth and awareness to inner world, one's feelings and thoughts and inclinations and reactions and jealousies etc., etc., which modern-day education hardly teaches the kids to pay attention to.

In the absence of psychological self, there's spontaneity, magic, and riding in tune with that which is the source of all creation -- timeless, measureless love.


A few points of clarification:

1) I am NOT promoting polygamy. I am also not subscribing to monogamy. I see the reality that many are looking for new ways of relating and traditional approach fails over 50% of people and of the rest 50% are unhappy.

2) Jealousy etc., are animalistic reactions which are very well explained by research in evolutionary psychology.

3) The traditional approach like you pointed out is male - chauvinistic.

4) As for cleanness, this is the trust I talked about -- and honesty -- that you know the person well enough that you know she is not going to go with a sick person (physically, mentally, or energetically). The best is to require a blood test!