A talk with an ex-alcoholic whom I helped break free
By Reza Ganjavi
Addiction is one of alcohol's biggest attributes. Millions of people are addicted to it and it's very difficult to break free from that trap, that box, that hole.
Don't even think of stepping inside that hole, trap, net again. Consider it as not even an option. Just say no. Your brain is learning to just say no. Not to even think of it as an option. It stops going there.
“I am not seeing it as a trap. It would be just one beer or one glass of wine... I am not seeing it as a going back.”
Water makes groove going down a hill; next time it goes there easier; next time easier.
You had a VERY VERY SERIOUS case of abuse. You were in a hole, a trap, a net, and the only reason you were not suffering much was your age. As years went by that hole would become more and more painful.
The fact that your mind even goes there as an escape when you're miserable is a very serious red flag. Find other ways to make yourself feel better. Or if you're miserable just be miserable - stay with it - and let your brain / body work it out. It's the price you pay for the abuse. But paying that price makes you free. See all your thoughts feelings motivations etc. the idea that "fuck it" is a juvenile idea - suffering is no fun.