By Reza Ganjavi
Anybody else gets the feeling of disgust at the movement to manipulate a woman in order to possess her and own her like a car or a cow or some kind of property?
To manipulate her away from another man for example (vs. respecting that they may have something beautiful together dynamically and not necessarily exclusively due to the very nature of the subject despite traditional dictates and prescriptions based on an animalistic model)?
Or implicitly impregnate her with a burden of pressure, demand, expectation, in order to veer her behavior towards submission to fulfill his need for security of possessiveness? Of course, that is a false sense of security given human nature. It can be regularly enforced via continuously kissing up 24x7, but as a heterosexual man who loves women, I find that disgusting. And equally disgusting is liking to be kissed up to 24x7 which some women (and men) actually like. Perhaps because of some insufficiency and something missing in the past that they fall into this endless gift-giving trap of possessiveness? I couldn't stand it.
The funny part is to think, then what? Yes, friendship is great. Love is wonderful. But if you manage to work your ass off to own a woman -- what's next? First, there's the high-maintenance effort of continually kissing up since you've set that expectation and in some way have "spoiled" her.
If she's really beautiful and has lots of contact or travels and has traces of open-mindedness and free-spiritedness, your insecurity you never dealt with comes back. The underlying jealousy that was covered up because you were too busy kissing up and giving lip service that: "you are free" -- while in actuality you are saying "but you are going to be in MY box - in MY chains".
That's what I call implicit impregnation -- or bribing -- trying to manipulate someone's behavior through endless gifts, favors, trying to impress them, trying to surprise them, etc.
Then what? Most interpersonal fires lead to families, marriage, kids, which have their own beauty, pleasures, and pains -- a path I didn't take but I respect those who did.
What if that is not the path she wanted to take -- having kids etc.? Of course, people can change and being treated like a princess is every woman's dream. I read a good book on that which showed why that is and how marriage is usually the culmination of it and it goes downhill from there. Regardless, would I mind being kissed up to 24x7? Maybe not for a while but I'm sure it gets claustrophobic after a while because endless gifts could contain expectations. Actually, I've been there and walked out because I don't want anybody to cling on to me. Love doesn't require clinging.
Love can flower in freedom and that includes being free from our own desire to own someone. This is a dynamic process and requires intense observation when it creeps up -- to let it flower -- and see it in its entirety. Sometimes it takes shocks to see it because the status quo may be too comfortable and can lead to inattention, but life has a way of shaking us up to see.
Anyway, back to the topic, in the case of the family, matters turn fairly quickly practical, into who's going to get up tonight when the baby cries, etc., etc. -- and focus shifts from gifts and surprises and trying to impress, to trying to survive under the pressure of kids' schedules added to yours (which again I respect parents a lot), demands, and working hard to not only feed the family but to secure funds for 20 years later when the kid is in college. And that's fine for someone who decides to go that route, and it has many rewards as well as challenges.
But in the case which is the topic here, the man manages to manipulate the woman with help from tradition, maybe her mother who has her own insecurities (and a free-spirited man or woman poses a challenge to her own relationship), and maybe even help from a therapist or hypnotist who can help make the princess conform. Free spirited-ness is a threat to everything that is not free. The mediocre mind who is caught in image making / network of thought, envies the free, the happy, a psychologically simple person.
And the woman goes along because she loves being treated like a princess with endless gifts and a dog-like dedication.
Tradition wants you to be complicated, sophisticated, to be a thinking machine... and not inwardly simple, psychologically nothing, free and light... joyful and supple... with no burden of becoming, conformity, and all that defines suffering. Such a free spirit cannot be owned, cannot be put in a box, controlled... and no gift can buy that freedom away.
(That was just off the top of my head)
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• Good points, Sima. Whether "enough credit" or not, I don't know smile emoticon . In terms of animalistic remark, I think as humans we can be more than animals (some think that's debatable) and as such our behavior doesn't have to be dictated by those parts of the brain. Maybe it's difficult. We're talking about strong habits. But I know it is possible. But our education doesn't teach us about this. It's a question of awareness.
• Alice, great points. "in order to laugh you need someone else to see the situation with you" I disagree. It's possible to laugh alone at things too. I've done it since I was a kid smile emoticon ---
"are you saying ... become claustrophobic?" NO, I am not saying that... I said it'd be claustrophobic if someone keeps bringing me gifts, wanting to surprise me all the time, kissing up all the time, etc., etc. --- these gifts may be of love but they're also of something that's out of balance because it seems to involve something more, possessiveness, wanting to own, wanting to make the other person feel indebted etc... which all springs from insecurity.
• I agree, Eva -- a relationship has a totally different quality when there is awareness of one's inner motives. Then there is no place for some of these manipulative practices.
• One can be with others yet be inwardly alone -- all one. Solitude is not isolation.
• Sima -- good question: SHARING... you came -- you are getting something out of it. Maybe someone you know will too.
• I don't know Cecilie, since I don't have kids, but watching some friends and family who do, there are lots of ups and downs... extreme pains and extreme joys. I love kids but only others' wink emoticon . Was just visiting friend who has 1 year old and 3 year old. Adorable kids! But pain in the neck (LOL) too at certain times and very sweet other times. Somebody has to do the work and I respect people who go that route (parenting).