By Reza Ganjavi
Cornered her when she said, “enjoy it”. It didn’t sound sincere. And it felt strange, and not a good feeling. Was there something more to it? She finally admitted yes. She said it felt like an interrogation by a detective. I was being a detective and sincerely wondered if what I felt true. She sincerely confirmed it to be – her smile of admittance could not have lied.
Wrote her this:
I am not judging you or telling you how to be. I want to help you understand what you are. Just by pointing out what I see and you can see for yourself if you see it too or not and if it's true or not. Today your smile of admittance showed you saw what I saw. That there was some jealousy in talking about taking a stage designer to dinner. So the "enjoy it" was not sincere. In fact it was painful for me to hear it, and this topic feels suffocating, enclosing, and denial of love. Love has nothing to do with jealousy. It's like vinegar and halva.
It wasn't a wish for enjoyment. It was the opposite. You hoped it sucks :) I know you didn't think about it like that... but you know what I mean. It didn't come from a space of truly wishing someone joy. It came from a twisted space -- a space inside your being which if we put it under a magnifying glass it may have looked twisted, cringed (not sure if right word).
Again, I'm elaborating this, as more "magnifying glass". Because I've been where you are and know what it's like. It sucks. It happens very fast. It's habitual -- in the habit of thinking -- not just personal but handed to you as a DLL... a program that just runs.
Carelessness is not its opposite. Freedom from it comes from looking at it -- like you did today, for a moment. To stay with it. Let it unfold and tell its story, and how it comes about. Happy exploration ... with a quiet mind -- just to look, observe. Not as a problem to be solved, but a story to unfold.
<3