By Reza Ganjavi
He is a friend of my ex-husband. I fell in love with him by talking on the phone. I went to see him. I didn't care how he looked. I wanted to go face him. I thought if he came to visit me it'd be like a vacation, not reality. I wanted to go there, see his life... and he has a lot of problems...He had no apartment. I was surprised: he was handsome. I was disappointed - I went there thinking "that's it". Then I was disappointed. [we have a conditioning of making conclusions and looking for certainty]. He said, come, live here. Then I heard the voice of my experience: 'never give up everything for a man.' I thought this might be a test. Life goes on. I'd rather be by myself and have no problems. I can be happy by myself. I don't need anybody. I am blessed to have a son and I learn from him.
I saw my ex-husband's family. After a while they don't recognize you anymore. When I call they say "I miss you bla bla..." but they never call.... Americans are really good at saying things they don't mean... sex is so tabooed - they make porno videos but don't talk about sex! Life there is difficult - there's a big distance between rich and poor - no middle. Crime is crazy. You need good money to live there. If you don't have a family [and many don't], you are very lonely - it's hard to find friends. Their life-style is not healthy - they're always in the car - you have to drive for hours to be in a nice clean spot. I want to go there for a vacation but I want to come back. I am grateful to be living here [in Switzerland].
More and more people are having relationships based on phone and computers [internet]. Long-distance relationships are very coming [common] because no one wants responsibility.
My ex-husband doesn't care for his son - just makes promises that he never keeps. After playing with other kids he came home and said: "I want my dad here now" it was painful. I tell him your dad is in America, working there. Maybe you'll meet each other again someday." I never talk bad about him and just tell him he loves him. He can at least call or write every 2 years - but he doesn't. When my son turns 16 he'll never forget that: "He never asked about me". I didn't see my own father till I was 18. My mother just walked away when I was born. Now I just forget and forgive. I believe in god so I am not alone.
These days every 2nd marriage ends up in divorce - throw in the towel. That's why we shouldn't get married quickly - and have respect for each other - even if they're so close.
[Nov 2001]
Do you think about him sometimes?
"No, I'm finished with him since last time he was here (to finalize the divorce)... ah... but sometimes I get mad at him - when it's raining and I don't have a car... or when I have to cycle my heavy son to football game. He sold my car, took the money.... "
Look at the positive side of things - be grateful - it could have been worse.
"It couldn't have been worse - he beat me up, took my money... what'd be worse, if he killed me?"
At some point you'll have to finish with him - can you imagine a point in your life when you stop thinking about him, blaming him, so you can carry on with your life without his presence in your consciousness? If you slow down the process : it’s raining, then thought comes in that it’d be nice to have a car, then thought that damn Mike, he took the car and betrayed me…. Maybe if you’re aware of this process, when he enters your consciousness your mind has learned that there is nothing to think about and it becomes quite. Otherwise thought would perpetuate him.
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"I know what I want..."
- If you are already aware that you want a family because you didn't have one as a kid, that's a major step. When you see it clearly then that conditioned desire can end. ....... Why don't you stop asking life for things and instead ask what life wants for you - otherwise you're playing with a fire ... and can be very disappointed.